How to be a glutton

I have a friend that is one of those hyper-charismatic types. When you meet him you want him to like you. I haven't pinned down what it is about him but he is a mega pop-star. We met as new missionaries in Provo and he was automatically everybody's favorite. In Greece, he was always getting hit on by cashiers and ladies on the street. I would make myself feel better by saying it was the shirt and tie, and I only noticed his attention more than my own. The "grass is always greener" business. But I knew it was a lie.
In any case, he was a pretty fat guy and was constantly dieting and trying new tricks to lose weight. I am sure this must be in the white handbook by now, but there weren't any rules about dieting as a missionary when we were out. Or maybe we didn't study the handbook enough. The worst was when the Atkins Diet started working for him. He would eat steak every day and moan for want of fruit and bread. I was pretty sure he was dying, but it was pretty funny so I didn't stop him.
During this agony he would tell me stories about the food he ate before his mission, which brings me to the topic of my headline.
This Elder worked at McDonalds for a few months until he got fired for eating the burgers and pies that sat on the timer for too long that were supposed to be thrown out and recorded. He told me that sometimes, before a typically slow period, he would cook a lot of extra food just so there would be lots to "throw out" when no one came to purchase it. After he got fired, he used the managerial skills he saw at McDonalds and his charisma to land a floor manager job at the Bond Street NEXT in London. Just like that. He told me that he went in for an interview and told the interviewers that he was considering the Armani Exchange position down the street after they told him he could take it if he wanted it. At this job, he managed people twice his age with families, and he was a 19 year old kid living at home. What a character.
But anyways, he told me how to eat so that you wouldn't get full too fast. He said he ate McDonalds everyday he worked there and never once got sick of it. The trick, he explained, was to put it in your mouth and swallow it the moment you can get it down. Gobble it up and stuff it fast enough and your body won't register that it is full and you can eat a lot more.

I have remembered this for over six years now and I had not tried it until two weeks ago. I was at work, minding my own business, probably wasting time on Wikipedia when a co-worker comes in and says that she brought donuts. Then another co-worker comes in a brings donuts too. Unfortunately, there were only about 16 in one box and 9 in the other. The jail has about 25 administration staff and over 100 officers. We had only 25 donuts. I went in and made my choice (chocolate bar), thanked the donators, and returned to my desk where I thought about how to get more. A few minutes later I found a paper I could photocopy, walked past the table and saw that there were still about 11 left, pretended to look for a rubberband and snatched a strawberry frosted on my way back to my desk.
I knew some people had seen me eat the chocolate bar, so I had to eat this one stealthily. One of my job responsibilities is to press a button under the desk to unlock the door to the administration area so staff and officers can get in. The desk is only 3.5 feet tall and I'm sure not going to stop anyone who wants to get back there so the security it is pointless (but kind of cool.) Because I have to press the button for people to get in, it isn't unusual for me to fumble around when someone comes by so it is easy to scoot the half-eaten donut out of view when anyone passes. Nice.
I figured I was set. I had my fun, and was ready to sit back and enjoy my well-deserved 15 minute break at 10:00 in the kitchen. When I got there, there were still FIVE donuts left! These people are crazy! Donuts are gold! I never had donuts growing up and we never have donuts now. I still get excited when I think about getting donuts for free. Such a luxury. So I was in the break room looking at these donuts. Two were glazed-nice but nothing special. Two were apple fritters-classy but huge and unconcealable.
And there it was. I don't know how I had missed it before but here it was taunting me: a custard Bavarian. I couldn't believe my luck. I am the only person who takes a break in the break room because everyone else has offices, so I knew I wouldn't be interrupted, but the copier and the hallway were on either side of me and I knew there would be traffic. My mind raced and I thought back on my lessons:
"As fast as you can...chew only enough to swallow without gagging...fast...chomp chomp..."
I ate that donut in 5 bites and about 44 seconds. No one saw me, I had eaten 1/8 of the office supply, I was the winner and I felt so bad.
My lovable buddy never told me that you would not get to enjoy the taste when you inhale your food. I should have gone to the bathroom or on a walk around the block to eat it or something. I had let this beautiful pastry go to waste by eating it. Irony of ironies. So the lesson I learned and pass on to you is that it is not worth sneaking obscene amounts of free stuff if you wont be able to enjoy it properly.

Fear

In the last week or two I have seen/read two separate pieces about the part of the brain that registers fear. I am pretty sure one of the sources was a National Geographic special or some kind of unquestionable authority, and the other was a Pearls before Swine cartoon.
I learned, surprise surprise, that there is a part of the brain that registers fear. I also learned that some people's brain-fear-registrars don't work right and they don't have fear.
I think that this could be a cool thing in some cases. You could impress people and be a champion at Chicken.
Perhaps though, it is fortunate that my brain-fear functions are unfazed (MOM READ THIS SENTENCE AND NO FURTHER PLEASE) because life is fragile and I have responsibilities and I recognize that thrills are not the most important things in life. The end.



(OTHERS PLEASE CONTINUE HERE)
Perhaps though, it is fortunate that my brain-fear functions are unfazed because I have this bad habit sometimes of testing myself. I got in BIG trouble when Anna and I first married because I told her about this. Sometimes when I was driving on a straight and empty street I would close my eyes for two or three seconds. Then I would have to do it for four, then five. Eventually I would have some sort of a close call and laugh and not have to do it any more. I am the kind of person that can't stand near a ledge without wanting to get closer, do a jumping jack, make myself dizzy, and calculate how far the fall would be (9.8 m/s/s) by dropping a rock.
If you couldn't register fear, then perhaps none of this would be thrilling. Maybe I would be dead. But maybe I wouldn't care because if it wasn't thrilling then there would be no reason to do it. Maybe I would sit and watch Poirot reruns every night because there would be nothing else to do.

As it turns out, I think I outgrew most of that thrill stage anyways. Sitting at home watching Poirot every night sounds awesome. So perhaps my dream came true and I am fearless.

Ha! That's not true. I get scared everyday at work. I get so flustered I mix up my greetings and responses. I have caught myself saying each one of the following at least once.:
"You're problem"
"No welcome"
"How's it doing?"
"How you going?"
"I'm not doing too much"
"UmHelcome"

The truth is, I am a very jittery guy. I jump everytime I pick up the phone and the caller is yelling at a dog or kid (remember, I deal with classy people on a daily basis) and give my greeting loudly and too quickly:
"D-word it Marty! Get off that counter! I will not repeat myse..."
"AAAh! LancastercountycoRRECTIONS!"

Maybe I should go watch that show again.

My Awesome Job

I am a temp at the front desk of the Lancaster County Jail. It is one of the best jobs have ever had. Not only do I get to sit in a chair next to a window all day, but everyone's expectations are so low for temps that I am 1) basically the greatest thing these people have ever seen, and 2) allowed to do anything I want as long as it doesn't prevent me from picking up the telephone when someone calls (except I have been asked once to turn my audio book down because my boss could hear it 75 feet away in her office).

But that brings me to why it is the best job. I have to file some papers in the morning for about 2 hours, and then the rest of my day only requires me to answer the phone when angry family members call and yell at me. This means I can listen to my books, read books, write stories about the people I interact with, draw pictures, and play Space Cadet pinball.

It isn't easy to find a job that requires nothing and lets you do anything. Today, for example, I read Diary of a Wimpy Kid: Rodrick Rules, a Nero Wolfe book, and I listened to two hours of David Sedaris' Christmas stories. In the last month I have listened to every David Sedaris book, 1776, two books on the Cold War, and a book about the Presidents. I also scored 8 million points on Space Cadet pinball, read more books than I ought have, and have found the best way to get extra doughnuts from the breakroom by pretending to make copies. I only have this job for two more weeks and then I will be indigent again. These temp jobs are just too addictive.

I am already planning on finishing the Nero Wolfe tomorrow, listen to two hours of Best of Guy Noir, start listening to A Brief History of Time, and getting through Diary of a Wimpy Kid: The Last Straw.

Guilt

I had forgotten that National Blog Posting Month was in November. I thought it was in October and had given in to feeling relieved that I had missed it. But is is kind of fun to have people read what you write. And after serving a mission, I know that I can do anything for up to 6 weeks. So I am hereby pledging to write 30 posts for the 30 days of November.

I decided this a few minutes ago when Anna pointed out that she was going to do it and I should too. Also, I have to brag about my sweet temp job at the Lancaster County Jail. I also have lots of stories involving the people who come and visit me at the Lancaster County Jail. I also have about a year's worth of funny youtube videos to point out to you.

But today, I will just echo Anna's blog by saying that Trick-or-Treating with a cute kid is the BEST. Adults are reluctant to give away candy to other adults, but no one can resist a 15 month old monkey who says "hi" and can make monkey noises. Anna and I split up all of her loot. I felt bad and wanted to let Soapy at least keep her fortune cookie or strawberry gummy snacks, but Anna was adamant:

"She doesn't even know that she has any candy. Also, she she doesn't need it."
Anna tried to trade three of those flavored Tootsie rolls for two of my mini Crunch bars.

"But it seems wrong to not let her have anything when she did all the swiping."
Obviously, I rejected her trade and offered a small box of candy corn for the Tootsie rolls. She gave up and let me have all the Tootsie rolls and the rest of the trash candy. I ended getting all the mini reeses cups and the Whoppers. Anna ate the fortune cookie and the chocolate chip cookies.

Soapy got one apple. Sucker...

My own personal garbage plate

A game

So on Kathy's/Mrs. Haynie's/Soapy's Third Grandma's/Most Awesomest Bow Warrior and Canoeist's blog I read about this game.
I think I might have cheated because I responded on her blog first and THEN posted it here, but here are the rules (copied and pasted because sometimes I don't read so thoroughly and I would probably mess it up if I tried to describe them):

Pay It Forward--a little blog game called "Pay it forward."How it works: The FIRST THREE people to leave a comment on this post will receive at some point during this year a gift from ME. What it will be and when it will arrive will be a total surprise. The CATCH is that YOU MUST PLAY TOO! Before you leave your comment here, write a pay it forward post on your blog to keep the fun going (you can cut and paste these instructions). Then come back and let me know that you are going to play, and sit back and anticipate the arrival of your gift.

I figure this is great because it will be more obligation to pile up on top of the ice cream sandwiches/honorary blog topic/limerick/MS Paint drawing that I already owe to people. But this will be just what I need to do all of that.

Also, this will be cool stuff. I recently sold a bike and I have enough for postage and more.

some more procrastination

1) I shaved with real shaving cream a few days ago. I usually just shave with shampoo in the shower, but anna got this sweet deal where the shaving cream was free. It was pretty nice. I had forgotten what it feels like to shave without pain.

2) I am taking an arabic DLPT on the 14th and I am trying to get all my vocab and grammar back. It might seem like that is what I am procrastinating, but it isn't. Language study is more exciting than it has ever been before in my life. Mostly because it is replacing civil procedure.

3) I think it would be pretty cool to grow a banana tree (you can get them for $8 off of the link on anna's blog) and then use the bananas to make banana ice cream or banana bread. I wonder if you can grow your own little wheat stalks and sugar cane and get the whole banana bread cycle in your kitchen.

4) I bought a Brooks saddle for my bike. It is pretty nice. They are supposed to be the most comfortable saddles ever, but they take about 500 miles to break in. I have about 20 so far. Mostly it is just slippery.