How to be a glutton

I have a friend that is one of those hyper-charismatic types. When you meet him you want him to like you. I haven't pinned down what it is about him but he is a mega pop-star. We met as new missionaries in Provo and he was automatically everybody's favorite. In Greece, he was always getting hit on by cashiers and ladies on the street. I would make myself feel better by saying it was the shirt and tie, and I only noticed his attention more than my own. The "grass is always greener" business. But I knew it was a lie.
In any case, he was a pretty fat guy and was constantly dieting and trying new tricks to lose weight. I am sure this must be in the white handbook by now, but there weren't any rules about dieting as a missionary when we were out. Or maybe we didn't study the handbook enough. The worst was when the Atkins Diet started working for him. He would eat steak every day and moan for want of fruit and bread. I was pretty sure he was dying, but it was pretty funny so I didn't stop him.
During this agony he would tell me stories about the food he ate before his mission, which brings me to the topic of my headline.
This Elder worked at McDonalds for a few months until he got fired for eating the burgers and pies that sat on the timer for too long that were supposed to be thrown out and recorded. He told me that sometimes, before a typically slow period, he would cook a lot of extra food just so there would be lots to "throw out" when no one came to purchase it. After he got fired, he used the managerial skills he saw at McDonalds and his charisma to land a floor manager job at the Bond Street NEXT in London. Just like that. He told me that he went in for an interview and told the interviewers that he was considering the Armani Exchange position down the street after they told him he could take it if he wanted it. At this job, he managed people twice his age with families, and he was a 19 year old kid living at home. What a character.
But anyways, he told me how to eat so that you wouldn't get full too fast. He said he ate McDonalds everyday he worked there and never once got sick of it. The trick, he explained, was to put it in your mouth and swallow it the moment you can get it down. Gobble it up and stuff it fast enough and your body won't register that it is full and you can eat a lot more.

I have remembered this for over six years now and I had not tried it until two weeks ago. I was at work, minding my own business, probably wasting time on Wikipedia when a co-worker comes in and says that she brought donuts. Then another co-worker comes in a brings donuts too. Unfortunately, there were only about 16 in one box and 9 in the other. The jail has about 25 administration staff and over 100 officers. We had only 25 donuts. I went in and made my choice (chocolate bar), thanked the donators, and returned to my desk where I thought about how to get more. A few minutes later I found a paper I could photocopy, walked past the table and saw that there were still about 11 left, pretended to look for a rubberband and snatched a strawberry frosted on my way back to my desk.
I knew some people had seen me eat the chocolate bar, so I had to eat this one stealthily. One of my job responsibilities is to press a button under the desk to unlock the door to the administration area so staff and officers can get in. The desk is only 3.5 feet tall and I'm sure not going to stop anyone who wants to get back there so the security it is pointless (but kind of cool.) Because I have to press the button for people to get in, it isn't unusual for me to fumble around when someone comes by so it is easy to scoot the half-eaten donut out of view when anyone passes. Nice.
I figured I was set. I had my fun, and was ready to sit back and enjoy my well-deserved 15 minute break at 10:00 in the kitchen. When I got there, there were still FIVE donuts left! These people are crazy! Donuts are gold! I never had donuts growing up and we never have donuts now. I still get excited when I think about getting donuts for free. Such a luxury. So I was in the break room looking at these donuts. Two were glazed-nice but nothing special. Two were apple fritters-classy but huge and unconcealable.
And there it was. I don't know how I had missed it before but here it was taunting me: a custard Bavarian. I couldn't believe my luck. I am the only person who takes a break in the break room because everyone else has offices, so I knew I wouldn't be interrupted, but the copier and the hallway were on either side of me and I knew there would be traffic. My mind raced and I thought back on my lessons:
"As fast as you can...chew only enough to swallow without gagging...fast...chomp chomp..."
I ate that donut in 5 bites and about 44 seconds. No one saw me, I had eaten 1/8 of the office supply, I was the winner and I felt so bad.
My lovable buddy never told me that you would not get to enjoy the taste when you inhale your food. I should have gone to the bathroom or on a walk around the block to eat it or something. I had let this beautiful pastry go to waste by eating it. Irony of ironies. So the lesson I learned and pass on to you is that it is not worth sneaking obscene amounts of free stuff if you wont be able to enjoy it properly.