A baptism

Today there was a baptism for the wife and three of the four kids of a new member. He was baptized two weeks ago and today his family followed suit. I was asked to give the talk on baptism. I am not the most logical choice to speak to a 12, 10, and 8 year old and their mother, but it went pretty well. The youngest of the girls (6 years old) was bawling the entire time because she was the only one who wasn't getting baptized. It was all out sobbing too, none of this sniffling and facial contortion business. She went through about a dozen big paper towels. I brought enough little ctr rings for her to have one and it was a good thing I did. That could have been tragic.

Also, Soapy has started wanting to take things into her crib with her. Sometimes she takes this certain little bear that is her favorite. We have no idea why. It has a plastic tag on it that neither Anna I I ever get around to taking off, and it is really small and not so cuddly. I cannot imagine why any manufacturer would think it was a good idea to create this bear. I am almost positive it came in a package with some flowers or a bottle of wine or something. But Soapy loves it and carries it around. It makes her happy when she has to get 4 am emergency diaper changes (those cold wipes are killers). Lately she has been taking books into bed with her. The first book was the little red serviceman's book of mormon. We tried to take it from her before bedtime but she threw a huge fit. We figured there could be worse things to want to carry around all the time so we let it pass. Since then she has also taken the serviceman's D&C, new testament, and a fuzzy dog book. I think she likes them because they are tiny.

5 things today

1) Lawyers can come and visit their clients in jail everytime whenever they want(2:01). Most of them know what they are doing and go and do whatever it is they do without bothering me. Some of them come in and ask me questions that make me weep for their clients. I had an attorney ask me what day it was, what the charges for her client were, and then the court dates. And then which day the date fell on. And then how many days away that was. I am not even kidding. I am pretty sure that every client I have seen her work with has been deported.
Another guy came in today to ask me if his client (who he was just in court with) was in or out of jail. And then he asked me how to file an appeal and how to get a Spanish appeal. I told him maybe he should go to the court and ask them. He asked if I had a paper in Spanish to file an appeal. I said I did not have one. I recognized this lawyer because twice before (twice!) he asked if he could leave his duffel bag (!?) in the lobby because he couldn't get a locker key because the only ID he carries on him is his passport (!?). Same duffel bag both times and same excuse about the passport.

2) I love my job partly because I am grossly overqualified. I have been a superstar all this year because I am overqualified for everything I could get hired for. I have loaded boxes in trucks, picked up construction trash, sprayed out filthy recycling bins, folded t-shirts, and now I talk on the phone. It is nice to know that you are going to exceed everyone's expectations because you know how to pay attention for longer than 15 minutes at a time and aren't going to try and steal the hand soap dispenser. But if I have to do this much longer I am going to rip my eyebrows off.

3) Any way you think about it, the universe is weird. It either had a beginning or it has existed forever. Either option is fantastic and sounds made up. I just started a new audiobook. I finished another Nero Wolfe and started listening to A Brief History of Time.

4) Since I have been at the jail, three people on separate occasions have gone to support a friend/son/husband in court. You have to show an ID to get into the courthouse. These three didn't realize that your ID is checked against a list of warrants and were arrested in the courtroom and brought straight to the jail. Ha!

5) I rode home today and it was raining just lightly enough that it was more of a coarse wet fog. In glasses, this would have been unbearable. Thanks to my February LASIK, I was great. I did notice that the same effect happened on my eyes. The drops would hit my eyes and I would have blurry patches where the rain would drip down my cornea. But then I would blink and it would be normal again. I tried to keep my eyes open to see how blurry my eyes would get in the rain but they got too dried out with my riding my bike and all. I'll have to try walking and not blinking. I wonder if our eyelids would atrophy if our heads were permanently in a saline solution. Or maybe just fill up some goggles. You could totally win any blinking contest. I really want to try this now. Bryan, you'll try it too, huh? I know this sounds cool to you.

Flying dreams

My very favorite dreams are the ones that I can fly in. I have them maybe once every few months. Once I was on top of a big grassy hill (I am pretty sure it is the one from the cover of The Sound of Music. It could also have been that big idyllic hill from the Microsoft background); once I was on a basketball court (that same one from Flubber); and most recently I was in the aisles of Wal-Mart (but the layout was Smith and Edwards).
The technique for flying is always the same. It is a mix between swimming and using parallel bars. I have to scissor-kick and tread with my hands to move up, but I can float by hanging from my armpits like you would on a bar. Sometimes I think that I ought to be able to do it in real life because it seems legit.
The Smith and Edwards/Wal-mart dream was about a month ago. I dreamed that I was in my pajamas, but they were actually just a big red t-shirt that barely covered my thighs. I was running around trying to help people shop for Christmas decorations when I remembered that I knew how to fly. I was going from one shelf top to the next. It was nice because I was helping people buy wreaths and garlands but it was really embarrassing because I knew everyone could see my underwear. I tried to help people quickly and then run away on the shelf tops. I woke up and I was still embarrassed.
I am pretty sure I was just reliving my day though. When I got home from work, Anna felt nauseated so we went to Subway (because one can never be too sick for Subway. Or brownies.) There was a handrail there and Soapy and I were playing on it and she was trying to walk along it. Then we went to the grocery store and walked around. I couldn’t find jammies for Soapy that night so I got one of Anna’s old t-shirts and used it. It was pretty huge on her.
Uh... then I found five dollars.

Have you had any noteworthy dreams lately?

Some mission journal excerpts

I was wondering what i could write today and I was having a hard time thinking of something. Today was Veteran's Day and I didn't have to go to work. I slept in for about an hour and then went on a long bike ride and got lost in Wilderness Park. It is over 10 miles of winding singletrack on the outskirts of Lincoln. I saw this huge buck twice and got scared by a cote of doves flushed from the underbrush when I passed. The coo-ed all at the same time and it sounded like a vacuum cleaner. After I got back I sat around with Anna and Soapy, we went on a walk and we made muffins for dinner. It feels like the weekend, and in typical weekend fashion, I have no desire to do anything requiring thought.
With that in mind, I present my NaBloPoMo post for 11 November: some mission journal stories. I don't have any entries for 11 November so I will do the closest to it.

Friday, November 7, 2003
What a week. holy crap. There was the monster flood that soaked my shoes and all, the electricity went out and we had to live by candle light, I had no hot water to shower in and we couldn't use the stove or fridge or anything. Then I went and watched Mountain of the Lord and saw how softcore I am.
Oh yeah. The electricity is back. Yay! Also I had a dream the other night that Snoop Dogg was teaching me how to dance by holding the hair on my legs and moving them like crutches. It was really funny and it made perfect sense at the time.

Thursday, November 13, 2003
So I got that CD player. Also I got the best lamb gyro yesterday. It was so good. I even farted this morning and it smelled like the lamb souvlaki.
Emmanuel was baptized last sunday. It went really well. He'll get the Holy Ghost this sunday.
Oh yeah, while we were doorknocking, some lady was all "oh, come on in!" but I thought she said go away or not now so I was all "oh. can we come tomorrow then?" so I killed it. The only time I would have gotten in by doorknocking and I slaughtered it. I could really go for another one of those gyros though.

Ha ha ha. What a lovable scoundrel.

Another post about jail

Also, I have tomorrow off work! Woo!
I typed this in word, but I don't know how to change the font to be all uniform without having to highlight it all again, so I wont bother with it.

Names have been slightly altered to protect me in case my boss ever reads this. Jail stuff is public information but inmates here are definitely not worth getting in trouble for.

1) I had lots of calls today about women assaulting their husbands. One caller was trying to find out information about Schmawn Schurcell that apparently beats up a lot of people. I was on the phone with the caller trying to help her get all of the pertinent information and I saw that someone had just posted the Schmawn’s bail. I told this to the caller who got a little upset and went into a bit of an epic story about their history together. This was a little after 4 pm and I got off work at 4:30 so I decided to listen and chat for a while. About 7 minutes later this woman walked out of confinement and I told the caller that I am pretty sure the short woman with the short blond hair was Schmawn. The caller said “Yeah, that’s probably her. She looks kind of like a man, huh?” Then the caller started calling her a dork and making fun of her and it was really funny. Jail doesn’t usually bring too many lols.

2) There is a service called Nebraska Relay that relays telephone calls from deaf people. There is an operator on the other end of the line that types to the caller and reads out the caller’s responses very professionally and clearly. It is a nice break from the normal calls that end up in tears and impassioned vows. One call in particular was from someone typing very fast and who did not know anything about the legal system. The call went a little like this (remember the caller is speaking clearly and calmly the whole time):

NRS: “Nebraska relay service, this is operator 1816, have you received a relay call before?”

Me: “Yes I have”

NRS: “Alright. Please wait one moment for your call to begin… Yes is Schmerrance Schmame in custody and what is bond? Go ahead.”

Me: “Yes he’s here and he has a $5000 percentage bond so it will be $500 to bail him out.”

NRS: “Why does he not have $500? Why are you keeping him in jail? Go ahead.”

Me: “He needs $500 to be bonded out and he is here for (I don’t remember the charge. Something pretty boring and common though.)”

NRS: “No. No you are wrong. %*&# no. I will find you and tell you &%$#@@ why are you doing this &*$@ no. No you $#%@. Go ahead.”

Me: “Uhhh. I don’t know what to tell you.”

NRS: “%$&@#. And the caller has hung up.”

Me: “OK. Thanks.”

NRS: “Thank you.”

3) People often call and get really bad news from me. The find out their husbands, brothers, sons and boyfriends have been charged and convicted of some pretty heinous stuff. Naturally these people are worried and want to communicate with or comfort their loved ones. I am the lucky sap that gets paid $9 an hour to tell them that the inmates can make collect calls out (which don’t work with cell phones), receive visits during visiting hours (6pm to 10:30 pm if the inmate has made a visiting list with the person’s name on it and I can only tell someone their name is on it if they come to the jail with a picture ID), or get letters through the mail.

3a) People are weird about the mail. It takes a day or two to send a letter to an inmate, but people will prefer to wait a week for a visit (inmates can only have 2 visits a week) to ask something instead of sending a letter that will get there the next day. And I get the most swears when I tell people to write a letter.

I have to be the one to tell people from Colorado, Illinois, California and Florida that I cannot tell them whether they are on the visiting list or not unless they are in the jail with a picture ID. I am the one to tell people that their precious boy is charged with attempted 1st degree sexual assault on a child. I am the one to tell people that the keys to the car parked illegally that is going to get towed can only be released on Thursdays between 12 and 2. I get to be the guy that says “No I can’t take the title to your house in lieu of bond money. You need to have cash.”

This is not the most fun, but reading all day makes up for it. My favorite part is when someone is so furious and angry that they forget that they are supposed to be rude or indignant and they thank me before they hang up or storm out. I would say about 70% of the bad news call I have end in the caller thanking me. Sometimes they say “Thank you, Officer.” Then I feel cool.

4) Lots of people ask me whether so-and-so “is currently a guest lodged in your fine facility? Heh heh.” Oh man… it gets so old. I feel rude not laughing so I try to make it sound like I was smiling in my voice inflection when I respond and tell them that so-and-so is charged with strangulation or criminal conspiracy to deliver crack cocaine.

5) The worst worst worst experience is when I have spent about 10 minutes helping someone out with some questions they have, directed them to the public defender, given them some practical advice about planning an inmate visit and all that kindly eagle scout stuff, and then as we exchange our cordial goodbyes, I hear the toilet flush.

6) The most common birthday for inmates here is January first. It is common enough that it makes me think that there is some sort of hidden indicators. I made one up that I would bet money on. My guess is that 1-1 is a kind of default birthday that people will adopt if they are not sure what their birthday really is. It is as good a day as any and makes a good default if you only know your birth year. And someone that grew up in the kind of environment where you don’t know your own birthday is probably not going to be a total stranger to the correctional system. I feel a little like Steven Leavitt.

my bike ride

On Saturday I rode from Lincoln to Eagle and back. It was about 16 miles each way. It took me an hour and 15 minutes to get there and I rode around a little bit and looked at the stores (there were about 7 of them) and then realized that I had 45 minutes to get back home before Anna had to be at a quilting class.
I rode so fast. I did not want to get in trouble. Remember that this took me 75 minutes going out and I had 45 to get home.
Luckily I am awesome and made it with about 9 seconds to spare. As I got to the front door, the woman who was giving Anna a ride parked and came inside with. I was very nearly in trouble and had this kind sister not come inside behind me I am sure I would have been.
Anna had a great time at the class and had forgotten that I was supposed to be in trouble when she got back so everyone won.

One of the reasons I went on a ride was to take pictures of the Nebraskan wilds. There were some mega-sweet pictures that should have been taken on the ride home, but I was pedaling like a maniac and couldn't stop. Really my legs were burning for 45 minutes straight. My bike only has one gear and cannot coast so I was literally pedaling the entire time. 16 miles in (under mind you) 45 minutes comes out to an average speed of over 20 mph. Constantly for 3/4 of an hour. On limestone. And no water. And I forgot to eat breakfast. I hope everyone agrees that this is cool.

Here are some of my pictures:
This is at the trailhead heading east. I am about three miles from home and near the eastern boundary of the city of Lincoln. The trail is the MoPac (Missouri-Pacific) trail, converted to crushed limestone from rails.



This is a large Nebraskan mountain range. Also some corn and a cell phone tower.



Tractor crossing. Traffic can get get a bit congested out here and its good to keep the populous alert to dangers.



Token cow picture. I actually saw a way better cow picture but I had to hurry so I wouldn't get in trouble. This other cow I saw had walked to the most remote corner of fenced in property- like it had walked into the apex of an 30 degree angle within 3 feet of fence in front of and to either side of it. It was about 8 feet from the path and just staring. The next closest cow must have been about a half mile off.

If this is a picture you wish you could have seen, feel free to visit Anna's blog and let her know that Chris ought not get in trouble for being late anymore, ever. Your contribution counts.

What the Bleep!? Down the Rabbit Hole

There is a movie called What the Bleep!? Down the Rabbit hole. I watched this movie yesterday and finished it up today. It is a movie about quantum physics. Man... our world is seriously messed up. Here are some of the things that were cool:

1) Superposition
So at the quantum level, Newtonian laws do not apply (gravity, friction, etc.) It turns out that even our most fundamental sense of logic is thrown out. There is a phenomenon called superposition where one particle can be in multiple places at the same time. There are documented pictures of this. This is real stuff! On the documentary there were particles in two places at the same time and an example of one particle in 3,000 places at the same time. Someone asked whether one of the particles would weigh 1/3000 of the particle and the scientists explained that you couldn't weigh it because it was all one particle in 3000 places at once. Man... that is so cool.

2) Slit test
This is a pretty famous test and I had heard of it before, but it was cool to see it happen. The observation of the electrons made them act as particles instead of waves. The act of observation changed the result. If the recorder were to be unplugged, then it would act as a wave. It is the human observation that alters the results!
When they tried to find out mathematically whether it went through slit 'A', slit 'B', both slits, or neither slit, they found that none of these happened. The scientist being interviewed during this portion said that asking where the electron went was like asking whether the number 5 is married.
"No" you would say, "the number 5 is not married."
"Oh" the unenlightened you would conclude, "so the number 5 must be single."
Asking where the electron was is an inappropriate question for the sequence. I don't know why, but that is pretty cool.
Here is that clip (and watch for West Wing Joey at the end):


3) Intention and random event generators
This portion has some skeptics within the scientific community, but it is still pretty cool. There are lots of experiments that show that intention can alter random number generators. If the observer wants more 1s than 0s, then the RNG will produce more 1s than 0s. There was an experiment where this was tested retroactively. There was a machine to produce random clicks into a pair of headphones. It would send a click to either the left or right speaker. It was recorded with no one listening to it, a copy was made and sealed, and the master was sent to a person hundreds of miles away. This person was instructed to want more left clicks than right clicks. There were considerably more left than right, and when they checked the sealed copy, it was identical. wooOOooOOooOOoo.

4) Peptide addiction
I don't really know why this part was in the movie but it was still cool. I was watching Soapy and we were playing with dominos so maybe I missed some sort of segway. The film talked about addictions to feelings. It said when someone feels a certain way very often, it is probably because they have an addiction to feeling that way. The hypothalmus produces peptides that are sent to the cell receptors that influence feelings and emotions. The cells produce their own proteins to keep it up. When we think about something often enough, we hardwire the neuro cells' receptors to create those connections. This happens physically all the time- it is why after practice, people can perform complex activities (typing, knitting, signing, even running or swimming) without consciously thinking about the location of fingers, arms, legs, or center of balance.
Emotions can become interlaced with memories and thought processes. As we go through our day, our thoughts can guide or reactions and our self-programmed responses. If we are overly concerned with feeling victimized, lonely, angry, or even happy, then those thoughts create the lens through which we interpret our reality. It is sort of a self-fulfilling prophesy- if you feel a certain emotion, your environment will catalyse it and it will become real. Thoughts will shape your life.
Man radiates what he is, and that radiation affects to a greater or less[er] degree every person who comes within that radiation” (David O. McKay “Free Agency … The Gift Divine,” Improvement Era, Feb. 1962, 87).
“Thoughts mold your features. Thoughts lift your soul heavenward or drag you toward hell. … As nothing reveals character like the company we like and keep, so nothing foretells futurity like the thoughts over which we brood.” (David O. McKay “Those Sculptors Called Thoughts and Ideals,” Improvement Era, July 1960, 495)