Another post about jail

Also, I have tomorrow off work! Woo!
I typed this in word, but I don't know how to change the font to be all uniform without having to highlight it all again, so I wont bother with it.

Names have been slightly altered to protect me in case my boss ever reads this. Jail stuff is public information but inmates here are definitely not worth getting in trouble for.

1) I had lots of calls today about women assaulting their husbands. One caller was trying to find out information about Schmawn Schurcell that apparently beats up a lot of people. I was on the phone with the caller trying to help her get all of the pertinent information and I saw that someone had just posted the Schmawn’s bail. I told this to the caller who got a little upset and went into a bit of an epic story about their history together. This was a little after 4 pm and I got off work at 4:30 so I decided to listen and chat for a while. About 7 minutes later this woman walked out of confinement and I told the caller that I am pretty sure the short woman with the short blond hair was Schmawn. The caller said “Yeah, that’s probably her. She looks kind of like a man, huh?” Then the caller started calling her a dork and making fun of her and it was really funny. Jail doesn’t usually bring too many lols.

2) There is a service called Nebraska Relay that relays telephone calls from deaf people. There is an operator on the other end of the line that types to the caller and reads out the caller’s responses very professionally and clearly. It is a nice break from the normal calls that end up in tears and impassioned vows. One call in particular was from someone typing very fast and who did not know anything about the legal system. The call went a little like this (remember the caller is speaking clearly and calmly the whole time):

NRS: “Nebraska relay service, this is operator 1816, have you received a relay call before?”

Me: “Yes I have”

NRS: “Alright. Please wait one moment for your call to begin… Yes is Schmerrance Schmame in custody and what is bond? Go ahead.”

Me: “Yes he’s here and he has a $5000 percentage bond so it will be $500 to bail him out.”

NRS: “Why does he not have $500? Why are you keeping him in jail? Go ahead.”

Me: “He needs $500 to be bonded out and he is here for (I don’t remember the charge. Something pretty boring and common though.)”

NRS: “No. No you are wrong. %*&# no. I will find you and tell you &%$#@@ why are you doing this &*$@ no. No you $#%@. Go ahead.”

Me: “Uhhh. I don’t know what to tell you.”

NRS: “%$&@#. And the caller has hung up.”

Me: “OK. Thanks.”

NRS: “Thank you.”

3) People often call and get really bad news from me. The find out their husbands, brothers, sons and boyfriends have been charged and convicted of some pretty heinous stuff. Naturally these people are worried and want to communicate with or comfort their loved ones. I am the lucky sap that gets paid $9 an hour to tell them that the inmates can make collect calls out (which don’t work with cell phones), receive visits during visiting hours (6pm to 10:30 pm if the inmate has made a visiting list with the person’s name on it and I can only tell someone their name is on it if they come to the jail with a picture ID), or get letters through the mail.

3a) People are weird about the mail. It takes a day or two to send a letter to an inmate, but people will prefer to wait a week for a visit (inmates can only have 2 visits a week) to ask something instead of sending a letter that will get there the next day. And I get the most swears when I tell people to write a letter.

I have to be the one to tell people from Colorado, Illinois, California and Florida that I cannot tell them whether they are on the visiting list or not unless they are in the jail with a picture ID. I am the one to tell people that their precious boy is charged with attempted 1st degree sexual assault on a child. I am the one to tell people that the keys to the car parked illegally that is going to get towed can only be released on Thursdays between 12 and 2. I get to be the guy that says “No I can’t take the title to your house in lieu of bond money. You need to have cash.”

This is not the most fun, but reading all day makes up for it. My favorite part is when someone is so furious and angry that they forget that they are supposed to be rude or indignant and they thank me before they hang up or storm out. I would say about 70% of the bad news call I have end in the caller thanking me. Sometimes they say “Thank you, Officer.” Then I feel cool.

4) Lots of people ask me whether so-and-so “is currently a guest lodged in your fine facility? Heh heh.” Oh man… it gets so old. I feel rude not laughing so I try to make it sound like I was smiling in my voice inflection when I respond and tell them that so-and-so is charged with strangulation or criminal conspiracy to deliver crack cocaine.

5) The worst worst worst experience is when I have spent about 10 minutes helping someone out with some questions they have, directed them to the public defender, given them some practical advice about planning an inmate visit and all that kindly eagle scout stuff, and then as we exchange our cordial goodbyes, I hear the toilet flush.

6) The most common birthday for inmates here is January first. It is common enough that it makes me think that there is some sort of hidden indicators. I made one up that I would bet money on. My guess is that 1-1 is a kind of default birthday that people will adopt if they are not sure what their birthday really is. It is as good a day as any and makes a good default if you only know your birth year. And someone that grew up in the kind of environment where you don’t know your own birthday is probably not going to be a total stranger to the correctional system. I feel a little like Steven Leavitt.